My son fell asleep in my lap. It happens sometimes. When it does, I just carry him to his room and set him down. But today was different. Not for Liam, he slept the whole way and the night. I was different, I just saw how amazing it was to sleep like that. To have such utter deep and relaxing sleep that you can be lifted up, moved around and set down in a bed all without waking up . That is pretty amazing. To not have to worry about what is happening, to just trust the the world deposits you somewhere other than where you fell asleep and that is OK. I don’t sleep thru the night. I hear the noises of the kids, murmuring or stirring in their sleep, and it wakes me up. I wake up before Ann, mostly she sleeps thru their little noises, but I hear them. I get up and see what they need. Some of the time they are just asleep. Some time they need something. I worry that they need me. Do I know too many things that can go wrong and I have to check on them? Are they sick, do they need to throw up, are they scared and need to a hand to hold before they can fall asleep, do they need to go to the bathroom and I need to get them there so they don’t have an accident( this doesn’t really apply anymore though). Could it be something else, in that strange way that some describe as fate, or god’s will, or the random workings of the universe that something could affect them and they would need me to be there? Or even worse, that I would be there and not be able to help? Do I just know too much of the world to sleep deeply?

Seeing Liam sleep in my arms is a gift. I could never sleep like that anymore, but at least I can be there for my children so they can. And it kinda makes it worth it to be woken up during the night.